


oh my god we are never going to stop fucking with each other are we

by sunbreaksdown



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-10
Updated: 2012-09-10
Packaged: 2017-11-13 23:39:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunbreaksdown/pseuds/sunbreaksdown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat gets Dave pregnant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	oh my god we are never going to stop fucking with each other are we

     Three years on a meteor is a long time.

     The novelty of it wears off within weeks, only ever flares up again when something truly remarkable happens, and soon enough, no one bats an eyelid at the oddity of a human-troll-rainbow drinker-carapace crew. People fall into their own routines, even without night and day to give context to time, and there is no end of movies to watch, video games to play, or books to deface; Dave develops several new interests, such as drinking coffee and reciting rap after rap to an unwilling audience of one Karkat Vantas.

     Even the taboo – if something that doesn't actually have recorded precedence _can_ be considered a taboo, by anyone other than Karkat – of interspecies make-outs flickers and fades, no matter how spectacularly sloppy they may be. Rose and Kanaya are off doing things that Dave would exaggerate and reinterpret for his own benefit, were his sister not involved, and it's only taken two odd years, but Karkat's finally managed to stop shitting out a stress tumour every time the two of them make eye contact.

     The matter of Terezi having wiggled her way between them is still something of a pertinent issue, but again, Dave isn't going there. And so for the most part, people kiss with their mouths open and touch each other's junk, Karkat gives lecture after lecture on romantic entanglements that he doesn't understand and then fails to follow his own advice, and eventually, everything becomes a lot less romantic and intense, and far more settled.

     Case in point: Dave doesn't even bother pulling down his pants, most days. And really, why the hell _would_ he, the god tier get-up is still so fucking sweet. They were in the middle of playing a video game, anyway, and sometimes, the mood just hits like a ten-tonne truck full of _oh, who gives a shit_ , and before anyone knows it, someone has an alien's hand wrapped around their dick and, great, no complaints there.

     Well, except for Karkat. Fumbled, rushed interspecies handjobs – seriously, Karkat elbowed him in the ribs _at least_ twice there – just wouldn't be the same without seeing that scowl on Karkat's face afterwards, leaving Dave counting down _three, two, one_ in his mind, dying to hear Karkat's take on the whole thing.

     “God. _Humans_ ,” is all he says this time, eyes not quite flickering back over to Dave yet. He still calls them humans, as if he can muster up any real contempt for them, from time to time. Mostly when he's defensive, or angry, or doing an awful job of maybe feeling just a little fond of one of them, or— well, point is, he does it a lot.

     Before Dave gets the chance to reply, Karkat curls his upper lip, and then has the nerve to wipe his hand across his cape. Dave's certain he must jerk involuntarily, or otherwise look as if he's about to wrap his hands around Karkat's throat, because he gets to his feet, and snaps, “It's your mess, Strider. You can deal with it.”

     But then Dave makes no reply, only glances down into his lap and then up to Karkat, to his hands.

     “What?” Karkat asks.

     Dave only shakes his head a little, seeming distracted, tongue brushing out across his lower lip.

     “ _What_.”

     “Nothing, nothing. Chill,” Dave murmurs, getting to his feet. Karkat crosses his arms over his chest, not buying it, and Dave relents, midway through doing his pants back up. “It's just—you're not wearing gloves, and today...”

     He trails off, gives Karkat a Meaningful Look, and when Karkat only stares blankly, he shakes his head again. He hurries out of the room, tugging off his cape, muttering something about needing to speak with Rose.

*

     For five days, he manages to avoid Karkat. It's no great feat, because Karkat doesn't even set out to look for him; probably just spends his time ranting, at great length, about how glad he is to be given a break from Dave's usual human bullshit, along with his idiotic verbal poetry _that doesn't even rhyme properly, shithead_.

     But when they both crawl out of their respective corners of the rock and head down for coffee at the same time, Dave makes a great show of things. He half leans against the edge of the table, one hand on the small of his back, gritting his teeth as he pushes his hips forward, trying to stretch out some impossibly tight muscles. Karkat looks up at him as he's pouring out his own drink, but says nothing. From the look of him, face either having fallen or not yet perked up for the day, eyes dark, he's probably only just woken up. 

     The gears are turning in his head. He's about to snap, and it's going to be spectacular.

     Dave picks up his own coffee to take a sip, but then sighs, wincing as he places it back down. He covers his stomach with both hands, shoulders hunched up, and Karkat opens his mouth—

     But the thing that breaks the silence is the sound of a book clapping shut from the other side of one of the sofas, and then Rose's head pops over the back. Gaze fixed on Karkat, and with a terrifyingly calm smile, she says, “I believe we need to have a quick conversation, Karkat.”

*

     The sound of Karkat freaking out almost knocks the meteor out of orbit, and Dave is surprised that it doesn't bring Gamzee out of hiding. _That_ would be one major hitch in his plan; immortal or not, he isn't too keen on the idea of resurrecting from a solid bludgeoning. 

     Everyone, it turns out, is shitting Karkat. Dave is shitting him with the reveal, Rose is shitting him with her brief but informative spiel on human reproduction, Kanaya is shitting him when she asks if she might have the honour of crafting the multiverse's first troll-human grubchild outfit, and Terezi is shitting him when she falls to her knees, arms around Dave's hips, cheek pressed flat to his stomach, and coos at the new life within.

     The Mayor draws up plans for a brand new maternity wing to be added to Can Town's top hospital, and Dave tells Karkat that he hopes he has Karkat's support in this, even though _dude, you can't just go rubbing your DNA all up over someone when they're at their most fertile point of their cycle._ Karkat turns bright red, screams his lungs out, till nothing but a hoarse whisper is tearing its way from his throat, and then becomes worryingly pale.

     Kanaya reaches out a hand, tries to take hold of him by the shoulder, but when Karkat makes a break for it, Dave stops her from following him. 

*

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: ok its been what five days  
TG: ive given you your space  
TG: given you every opportunity to come crawling back and apologise  
TG: but i see how it is  
TG: youre a real heart breaker vantas  
TG: getting what you want consequences be fucked  
TG: just like me  
TG: literally and metaphorically  
TG: but mostly literally  
TG: morning sickness is a bitch  
TG: im guessing you trolls dont have that so let me break it down for you into manageable xenofriendly chunks  
TG: its exactly what it sounds like  
TG: except it isnt strictly limited to the morning  
TG: so not only is it a bitch but its an unpredictable one  
TG: and thats not the worst of it  
TG: my uterus glands are swollen the size of ovary sacks  
TG: i thought you knew dude  
TG: i thought you understood  
TG: you cant go asking a guy about his weird human stomach orifice only to be told that oh right this is lock to the door that opens up when our internal incubation unit has cooked up one (1) tiny pink monkey thats later going to evolve into a barely functioning human being  
TG: probably cause its other dad abandoned it before birth  
TG: you cant do that and not expect there to be consequences when you go about things unprotected  
TG: i mean if youre not going come out of hiding for me do it for karkat jr  
TG: im getting all kinds of sentimental here  
TG: im not just eating for two im feeling for two  
TG: im trying to tell myself that it wont be so bad  
TG: shit the kids got the lesbian aunts thing down to an art  
TG: before you ask me what the fuck a lesbian aunt is just imagine kanaya and lalonde  
TG: add anywhere between five and fifteen cats  
TG: and youve got your answer  
TG: but what am i going to tell karkat jr when he asks about his other daddy  
TG: sorry son but your other father died in childbirth  
TG: i know i know but youre a man now  
TG: you deserved to know the truth  
TG: while i was in labour  
TG: all natural and far from doped up i should add cause where the hell were we going to get an epidural on a meteor at such short notice  
TG: shit the human gestation period is only nineteen days i barely had time to roll out a yoga mat learn to spread my legs and breathe  
TG: anyway  
TG: while i was in labour  
TG: your other daddy he  
TG: well its not that he didnt love you little guy but  
TG: no you look at me  
TG: dont you dare look away  
TG: you need to know this is the truth  
TG: its not that he didnt love you he just really  
TG: had his own horns up his ass  
TG: and while i was pushing and panting  
TG: wait  
TG: or actually having you scooped out of my baby producing cavity  
TG: thats the one  
TG: gotta stick with my own story  
TG: he gave himself a fucking aneurysm from being such a douche canoe  
TG: i wouldnt have even asked him to pay child support  
TG: all i wanted was to be a family  
TG: and he had to go ahead and bleed to death out of his ears  
TG: so  
TG: what im trying to say is  
TG: talk to me  
TG: we can work this out  
TG: itll be like in one of your shitty romcoms where it reaches the climax of the quote unquote plot and i pretend like ive been paying attention to any of it  
TG: stuff happens  
TG: women cry  
TG: men pretend that they wouldve rather been watching ninja lesbian babes iii: the invasion from zombietopia but still feel a twinge in their chest  
TG: the credits roll  
TG: and the rest of the relationship turns out to be just as turbulent but way more tedious the fiftieth time you have to deal with someone apologising for the same old shit  
TG: cmon vantas  
TG: i need you  
CG: STRIDER, YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A LEAKING SHITPAIL, HOW GODDAMN DENSE DO YOU THINK I AM.

*

     It was easy to rope Rose into the plot. “Want to help me screw with Vantas?” Dave had asked, and then cringed when Rose replied with a chipper, “Yes, but only because you said _with_.” Terezi probably took it all at face value, enthralled as she still was by blunt human teeth and flat tops of heads, but Kanaya, she'd eventually taken pity on Karkat, and assured him that Of Course Human Bulges Cannot Absorb Shed Skin Epithelials And Extract The DNA Therein Karkat Dont Be Ridiculous.

     Karkat, of course, claims that he knew it was bullshit from the get-go, but with some provoking, admits that maybe, _maybe_ there was a split-second where he might have feared the worst. Because how the fuck is he supposed to know how Dave's uterus does and doesn't work? Karkat, having mastered and redefined the art of sulking on the journey thus far, sits with his knees pulled up to his chest, glaring a hole straight into Dave's forehead with such intensity that he actually considers joining Kanaya on one of her Gamzee-hunting expeditions, because this might just be the sort of mood that Karkat needs a moirail's help to get out of.

     In the end, Dave only kneels by his side, and flicks the back of his head.

     “Dude, seriously. Don't touch the cape.”


End file.
